I don't recall pushing the repeat button, and yet today = April 26th.
At the end of a day like today, I just want someone to genuinely ask "how was your day?" I want someone to care about the response. I want someone to just let the tears silently roll down my cheeks. I want someone to hug me and hold on tight.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Overflowing
Today is one of those days I wish I could box up and put on the shelf so that I could pull it back out on the hard days. It was one of those days where joy was overflowing. It was a day of dreaming big dreams. It was a day of seeing the purpose behind situations. It was a day of remembering my big God.
This weekend I've been going a thousand miles an hour. There has been very little free time and yet everything I've done is exactly what I've needed to do. I'm more energized by the busyness than I ever thought possible. I'm trying to be intentional with my time. It's been a mix of business and people all weekend. And I refuse to believe the lie that I need "me" time.
The thoughts and feelings of the weekend seemed to come together at church this morning, which isn't all that unusual. Providence is a strange place indeed, and God works mightily in that place.
- I asked the congregation for Bibles. First a man came up to me and said he works at a recycling type place and they get a ton of Bibles that they have to destroy. I can have boxes and boxes. My new problem is figuring out how to get all of them to Uganda. Then a woman came up and said her father works for Wycliff and she is confident he can help with Bibles in the local language.
- I got a check for my trip. It is now fully funded. The check was a blessing, but it did so much more in my heart. I've really struggled over the years both asking for money and supporting others. God has used this experience to teach me a TON.
- My intern starts tomorrow. What started out as stress and dread has turned into anticipation.
This feels very disjointed tonight. I'm having a very difficult time putting words to all that is running through my heart and mind. I'm simply overflowing with joy, anticipation, fear, exhaustion.
This weekend I've been going a thousand miles an hour. There has been very little free time and yet everything I've done is exactly what I've needed to do. I'm more energized by the busyness than I ever thought possible. I'm trying to be intentional with my time. It's been a mix of business and people all weekend. And I refuse to believe the lie that I need "me" time.
The thoughts and feelings of the weekend seemed to come together at church this morning, which isn't all that unusual. Providence is a strange place indeed, and God works mightily in that place.
- I asked the congregation for Bibles. First a man came up to me and said he works at a recycling type place and they get a ton of Bibles that they have to destroy. I can have boxes and boxes. My new problem is figuring out how to get all of them to Uganda. Then a woman came up and said her father works for Wycliff and she is confident he can help with Bibles in the local language.
- I got a check for my trip. It is now fully funded. The check was a blessing, but it did so much more in my heart. I've really struggled over the years both asking for money and supporting others. God has used this experience to teach me a TON.
- My intern starts tomorrow. What started out as stress and dread has turned into anticipation.
This feels very disjointed tonight. I'm having a very difficult time putting words to all that is running through my heart and mind. I'm simply overflowing with joy, anticipation, fear, exhaustion.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Downloading
A lot on my mind tonight. I need to download.
- I read a comment on facebook today that said "God will be good" referring to a recent cancer diagnosis. God WILL be good? No. God IS good. God is good even though there is cancer. God is good even though there is pain. God is good amongst the doubt and the fear and the questions. And God is good even amongst the pain in my own life.
- Words can hurt. Even very innocent words that have absolutely no ill intent behind them. Sometimes those are the words that hurt the most because you don't see them coming. Today I was hit by two different comments that hit a deep place in me.
- My priorities are so out of whack right now. This was made so clear today and then reinforced again tonight.
- Friendship. What a tough concept for me to grasp right now.
- My time management sucks. Just sayin'.
- I read a comment on facebook today that said "God will be good" referring to a recent cancer diagnosis. God WILL be good? No. God IS good. God is good even though there is cancer. God is good even though there is pain. God is good amongst the doubt and the fear and the questions. And God is good even amongst the pain in my own life.
- Words can hurt. Even very innocent words that have absolutely no ill intent behind them. Sometimes those are the words that hurt the most because you don't see them coming. Today I was hit by two different comments that hit a deep place in me.
- My priorities are so out of whack right now. This was made so clear today and then reinforced again tonight.
- Friendship. What a tough concept for me to grasp right now.
- My time management sucks. Just sayin'.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
3 Words
It wasn't a difficult question. Three simple words. Easily answered with either "yes" or "no". But the question caught me off guard, and I stumbled over my words. I'm still not sure what answer came out of my mouth in the moment.
The question wrecked me. It has replayed itself in my mind a hundred times. It has wreaked havoc on my emotions. I know very clearly what the real answer is. It's been something I've been able to avoid dealing with countless times over the years. Avoidance is no longer an option. I've struggled with the answer late at night, with tears streaming down my face. I've wrestled with the answer while raking leaves, cleaning my house, driving around town. God and I have talked, argued, fought. There is no resolution, just an ache.
The answer is yes.
The question wrecked me. It has replayed itself in my mind a hundred times. It has wreaked havoc on my emotions. I know very clearly what the real answer is. It's been something I've been able to avoid dealing with countless times over the years. Avoidance is no longer an option. I've struggled with the answer late at night, with tears streaming down my face. I've wrestled with the answer while raking leaves, cleaning my house, driving around town. God and I have talked, argued, fought. There is no resolution, just an ache.
The answer is yes.
Sunday, May 08, 2011
Cry Face
"I don't cry" used to be my excuse. Sure, I would cry in private, behind closed doors, but rarely in front of others. My mom was the exception- she was the one who saw all the tears. With everyone else, I became a master of avoidance when it came to any sort of emotional vulnerability. I prided myself on being strong. What bullshit that line of thinking was. Looking back, I see relationships that were significantly hindered by my stoic responses to life. I missed the abundant life in all situations and all emotions.
If you know me today, you've likely seen me cry. No, I don't cry at commercials and hallmark cards. But I cry when I'm sad, when I'm joyful, when I hurt, when I'm scared, when I'm angry, when I'm overwhelmed. I cry because I'm passionate. I cry because tears are healing. I cry because the tears that fall from my eyes are an indicator of my heart. I'm afraid that if my tears dry up, so will my heart. Sometimes my eyelids well up, but the tears never actually fall. Sometimes the tears pour down amongst sobs, making it impossible to see and difficult to breathe. I treasure the tears, thankful that God is moving within me and sanctifying me no matter what the circumstances.
If you know me today, you've likely seen me cry. No, I don't cry at commercials and hallmark cards. But I cry when I'm sad, when I'm joyful, when I hurt, when I'm scared, when I'm angry, when I'm overwhelmed. I cry because I'm passionate. I cry because tears are healing. I cry because the tears that fall from my eyes are an indicator of my heart. I'm afraid that if my tears dry up, so will my heart. Sometimes my eyelids well up, but the tears never actually fall. Sometimes the tears pour down amongst sobs, making it impossible to see and difficult to breathe. I treasure the tears, thankful that God is moving within me and sanctifying me no matter what the circumstances.
Saturday, May 07, 2011
The "Go-First" Principle
I once read about the idea of going first:
"When you go first, you give (others) the gift of going second. It’s so much harder to be first. No one knows what’s off limits yet and you’re setting the boundaries with your words. You’re throwing yourself on the honesty grenade and taking whatever fall out that comes with it." -Jon Acuff
This was written about small group settings, but it has stuck with me as I believe it applies to many contexts. I've used it, and it works. I feel like I've gotten to a point in my life where I'm able to be vulnerable with the people I love. If you sincerely ask me how I'm doing, you'll get a sincere response.
But what happens when it doesn't work? What do I do when someone doesn't want to go second?
"When you go first, you give (others) the gift of going second. It’s so much harder to be first. No one knows what’s off limits yet and you’re setting the boundaries with your words. You’re throwing yourself on the honesty grenade and taking whatever fall out that comes with it." -Jon Acuff
This was written about small group settings, but it has stuck with me as I believe it applies to many contexts. I've used it, and it works. I feel like I've gotten to a point in my life where I'm able to be vulnerable with the people I love. If you sincerely ask me how I'm doing, you'll get a sincere response.
But what happens when it doesn't work? What do I do when someone doesn't want to go second?
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Snippets
If I had to choose one word to describe myself this week it would be emotional. This is most definitely not how I would usually describe myself. I'm blaming it on hormones. I'm simply a wreck.
After multiple frustrations this afternoon, I went to the park to go running. I needed to clear my head, to breathe in fresh air, to soak up some sun. It was exactly what I needed.
I wonder if giving up something that I love dearly would help someone who needs a lot of help. It would be a very, very painful sacrifice for me (and others) and I don't know if it's the right thing. But the way it's working now is simply not okay.
Tonight, in front of people that I love and that love me, the ugliness of my heart was exposed. I knew I needed to verbalize the internal battle I was having, but it sucked.
"... what if Your healing comes through tears. What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near."
After multiple frustrations this afternoon, I went to the park to go running. I needed to clear my head, to breathe in fresh air, to soak up some sun. It was exactly what I needed.
I wonder if giving up something that I love dearly would help someone who needs a lot of help. It would be a very, very painful sacrifice for me (and others) and I don't know if it's the right thing. But the way it's working now is simply not okay.
Tonight, in front of people that I love and that love me, the ugliness of my heart was exposed. I knew I needed to verbalize the internal battle I was having, but it sucked.
"... what if Your healing comes through tears. What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near."
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