"Can I go to church with you?" What a simple question with an answer that should also be simple. Instead: "Uh, yes. I guess. Okay. Are you sure? It's a long service. Really? Oh shit."
While in college, both undergrad and grad school, it was drilled into me to set firm boundaries with my clients. This meant no contact with clients outside of the work setting. If I see someone in the grocery store, just walk on by and don't acknowledge them. Don't let clients know anything about me. If they ask a personal question, turn it back on them. Keep my personal life personal and my work life completely separate. I was taught that this was necessary for my own sanity and a way to practice self-care. So that's what I've done for many years.
Until now.
As far as I can tell, Jesus would tell me what I learned in school is crap. How can I love people and minister to them if I don't know them and they don't know me? How can I point people to Jesus when I don't let them know that incredibly personal part of my life? So when one of my clients asked me if she could come to church with me, I said yes. And then I invited another kid. And then I almost hyperventilated.
When I walk into PBC on a Sunday morning, it's more than just a gathering of believers. It is time to reconnect with my family. It's time to be okay with not being okay. There are tears and laughter. I question, I am challenged, I learn. I have responsibilities, I have people to minister to. I open my heart and am vulnerable. Allowing my teenage clients into this part of my life was almost too much. I questioned where I sat, what I said, what I did. I was afraid of being me in some ways. And then I got mad. I was mad because they were intruding on my life, in my space, with my people. So then I felt guilty. Guilty because of my attitude and my actions. I recognized my selfishness and it cut me to the core. How dare I miss the opportunity to point people to Christ because it makes me uncomfortable. Jesus clearly said that following Him meant giving up one's own life.
It's still a battle waging war in my mind and in my heart. Jesus is wrecking my life... thank goodness.
No comments:
Post a Comment