Replay

I don't recall pushing the repeat button, and yet today = April 26th.

At the end of a day like today, I just want someone to genuinely ask "how was your day?" I want someone to care about the response. I want someone to just let the tears silently roll down my cheeks. I want someone to hug me and hold on tight.

Overflowing

Today is one of those days I wish I could box up and put on the shelf so that I could pull it back out on the hard days. It was one of those days where joy was overflowing. It was a day of dreaming big dreams. It was a day of seeing the purpose behind situations. It was a day of remembering my big God.

This weekend I've been going a thousand miles an hour. There has been very little free time and yet everything I've done is exactly what I've needed to do. I'm more energized by the busyness than I ever thought possible. I'm trying to be intentional with my time. It's been a mix of business and people all weekend. And I refuse to believe the lie that I need "me" time.

The thoughts and feelings of the weekend seemed to come together at church this morning, which isn't all that unusual. Providence is a strange place indeed, and God works mightily in that place.
- I asked the congregation for Bibles. First a man came up to me and said he works at a recycling type place and they get a ton of Bibles that they have to destroy. I can have boxes and boxes. My new problem is figuring out how to get all of them to Uganda. Then a woman came up and said her father works for Wycliff and she is confident he can help with Bibles in the local language.
- I got a check for my trip. It is now fully funded. The check was a blessing, but it did so much more in my heart. I've really struggled over the years both asking for money and supporting others. God has used this experience to teach me a TON.
- My intern starts tomorrow. What started out as stress and dread has turned into anticipation.

This feels very disjointed tonight. I'm having a very difficult time putting words to all that is running through my heart and mind. I'm simply overflowing with joy, anticipation, fear, exhaustion.

Downloading

A lot on my mind tonight. I need to download.

- I read a comment on facebook today that said "God will be good" referring to a recent cancer diagnosis. God WILL be good? No. God IS good. God is good even though there is cancer. God is good even though there is pain. God is good amongst the doubt and the fear and the questions. And God is good even amongst the pain in my own life.

- Words can hurt. Even very innocent words that have absolutely no ill intent behind them. Sometimes those are the words that hurt the most because you don't see them coming. Today I was hit by two different comments that hit a deep place in me.

- My priorities are so out of whack right now. This was made so clear today and then reinforced again tonight.

- Friendship. What a tough concept for me to grasp right now.

- My time management sucks. Just sayin'.

3 Words

It wasn't a difficult question. Three simple words. Easily answered with either "yes" or "no". But the question caught me off guard, and I stumbled over my words. I'm still not sure what answer came out of my mouth in the moment.
The question wrecked me. It has replayed itself in my mind a hundred times. It has wreaked havoc on my emotions. I know very clearly what the real answer is. It's been something I've been able to avoid dealing with countless times over the years. Avoidance is no longer an option. I've struggled with the answer late at night, with tears streaming down my face. I've wrestled with the answer while raking leaves, cleaning my house, driving around town. God and I have talked, argued, fought. There is no resolution, just an ache.
The answer is yes.

Cry Face

"I don't cry" used to be my excuse. Sure, I would cry in private, behind closed doors, but rarely in front of others. My mom was the exception- she was the one who saw all the tears. With everyone else, I became a master of avoidance when it came to any sort of emotional vulnerability. I prided myself on being strong. What bullshit that line of thinking was. Looking back, I see relationships that were significantly hindered by my stoic responses to life. I missed the abundant life in all situations and all emotions.

If you know me today, you've likely seen me cry. No, I don't cry at commercials and hallmark cards. But I cry when I'm sad, when I'm joyful, when I hurt, when I'm scared, when I'm angry, when I'm overwhelmed. I cry because I'm passionate. I cry because tears are healing. I cry because the tears that fall from my eyes are an indicator of my heart. I'm afraid that if my tears dry up, so will my heart. Sometimes my eyelids well up, but the tears never actually fall. Sometimes the tears pour down amongst sobs, making it impossible to see and difficult to breathe. I treasure the tears, thankful that God is moving within me and sanctifying me no matter what the circumstances.

The "Go-First" Principle

I once read about the idea of going first:
"When you go first, you give (others) the gift of going second. It’s so much harder to be first. No one knows what’s off limits yet and you’re setting the boundaries with your words. You’re throwing yourself on the honesty grenade and taking whatever fall out that comes with it." -Jon Acuff
This was written about small group settings, but it has stuck with me as I believe it applies to many contexts. I've used it, and it works. I feel like I've gotten to a point in my life where I'm able to be vulnerable with the people I love. If you sincerely ask me how I'm doing, you'll get a sincere response.
But what happens when it doesn't work? What do I do when someone doesn't want to go second?

Snippets

If I had to choose one word to describe myself this week it would be emotional. This is most definitely not how I would usually describe myself. I'm blaming it on hormones. I'm simply a wreck.

After multiple frustrations this afternoon, I went to the park to go running. I needed to clear my head, to breathe in fresh air, to soak up some sun. It was exactly what I needed.

I wonder if giving up something that I love dearly would help someone who needs a lot of help. It would be a very, very painful sacrifice for me (and others) and I don't know if it's the right thing. But the way it's working now is simply not okay.

Tonight, in front of people that I love and that love me, the ugliness of my heart was exposed. I knew I needed to verbalize the internal battle I was having, but it sucked.

"... what if Your healing comes through tears. What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near."

You Are Not Alone in This. Are You Sure About That?

Apparently it's in these moments of utter exhaustion when my brain wants to download the most. The words flow more easily when exhaustion weakens my emotional defenses.

Today was hard. This is true of most days, but everyday it seems to be true for a different reason. Today was hard in unexpected ways, and the emotions that came were a bit of a surprise. Echoing through my mind today was the phrase "it's lonely at the top". This simple phrase, that I resonate with very deeply right now, causes immediate tears. I desperately want someone to "get it", to truly understand how hard my job is. But it goes way beyond the realization that my job is hard because I work with delinquent and/or mentally ill teenagers-- everyone immediately understands that this is ridiculously difficult. Please, cuss me out or threaten to hit me- I know what to do with that. But making huge decisions about your life and teaching your therapist how to help you and maintaining a safe environment and figuring out my role as the boss and correctly prioritizing the to-do list and guiding the team and trying very hard not to fuck it all up- I don't know how to do all that.
---> Today I fought hard for you to go back to jail which seems so right and feels so wrong. But I'm so mad at you and keeping you is not helping you or anyone else.
---> You told me that you had sex with 17 guys last night, falling short of the 21 club. I don't even know if I believe you, but whether it's true isn't the issue.
---> Your dad might go back to jail and I had a big hand in it. How do I tell you that? You're the little girl who just wants your daddy.
---> You are doubting yourself as a therapist and you're miserable. You listen to everything I say, watch everything I do, desperate to learn. You take everything I say as truth.
---> You're burned out, tired, ready for a change. But you're my most experienced therapist and I rely on you for a lot.

I fall into bed exhausted, and it's not the individual stories that keep me awake. It's the weight, the burden, the responsibility. It's the loneliness on top.

If I lay here long enough I hear Mumford and Sons softly singing to my soul, "You are not alone in this. You are not alone in this. As brothers we will stand and will hold your hand." I'm having a really hard time believing this right now.

I wonder as I wander

I wonder what it is I am supposed to be learning right now in this season of life.

I wonder if I'm literally taking days off of my life due to my stress level.

I wonder if my house will ever be clean or if the clean will ever actually be maintained.

I wonder if there will come a day when I feel competent in leading a team.

I wonder if sleep will ever be normal again, if the insomina and oversleep will slowly fade away.

I wonder why my nose piercing still has issues even though it has been 7 months.

I wonder how I'm leading others.

I wonder when I got calloused to the reality of what I do.

I wonder how what I do can still break my heart.

I wonder what life would be like now if my roommates weren't in my life.

Insomnia Ramblings

I've felt disconnected all day long. I sat and listened but I didn't actually hear anything. Time moved very slowly but I didn't accomplish much. I wanted to enjoy the beautiful day but I didn't want to do it alone so I didn't leave my house.
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Please, God, don't let there be a gun.
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Relationships are fluid and they change. I know it's part of life, but I don't always like it.
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Discontent has become a frequent visitor. Discontent visits me at home and at work, with friendships and with family. I wonder if it's a gift from God. Strange, I know. But I wonder if the discontent makes it easier for big life change. I'm comfortable with my current lot in life. I like where I live, who I spend time with, what I do for a living. I like all of it, but I'm not content and I want more. I wonder if it's sin. God has given me everything I need and a lot of what I want, but I'm not content. Is it pride? Is it greed?
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I held that tiny baby yesterday and a dozen thoughts resonated deep in my heart. I'm not at a place where I am willing to verbalize any of those thoughts to anyone. So I hold on to my thoughts tightly and my heart whispers secrets to the One who knows it all and knows me better than I know myself.
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I very much want to hide away lately. This is not normal for me (or healthy). And I'm ignorning that still, small voice. That's a problem.

Q&A

Who am I for this task?
I will be with you.
What shall I tell them?
I Am who I Am.
What if they don't believe me or listen to me?
I will show them.
I am not equipped.
I will help you and teach you what to say.
Please send someone else.
I will help you and teach you what to do.

Day 3= FAIL

This is really, really hard. Last night the texts ended at 11:16 pm. The phone calls ended at 11:21 pm. This morning the texts started at 6:51 am. I spent the majority of the day on the phone. I need to adjust the minutes on my plan ASAP. It's not always going to be this way, I know. But right now it is. This has easily been the most difficult 8 days I can remember in the last 2.5 years. And I'm in charge. I'm in charge of a crumbling house and staff. Today there were no tears. Just anger, frustration, irritability. I took it out on the wrong people and hurt those I love most. The anger has dissipated and there is a lump in my throat that I keep trying to ignore. So I'm going to bed and I'll try again tomorrow. "At the end of every night a new day grows."

To Do or To Be (part 2)

In the last two weeks I've barely slept, questioned my decision, and cried a thousand tears. The decisions and responsibilities in front of me seem overwhelming. My to-do list is ridiculous. That's the problem- I have been running around trying to figure out what I'm supposed to DO. This just leads to feelings of being overwhelmed and lots of tears. And then a dear friend gently reminded me that it's not about what I do, but about who I am supposed to be in the midst of the chaos. Her wise words: "When I don't know what to do, I simply remember who I am supposed to be. I know that in all situations, God wants me to bear the Fruit of the Spirit. This is my compass and often I need to reset my life and get back on track. I may not know what decision to make, but I know that I am to display love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control." And so a dozen times I day I look at the compass and re-orient myself to walk the right direction.

over.whelmed

"You can do it. You're fully capable. You're what this house and this team need. We trust you and believe in you." I've heard this a dozen times. No one told me it would be this hard. No one told me that it would feel like trying to take a sip of water from a fire hose. No one told me that I would question everything I believe in. No one told me I would doubt myself. No one told me how lonely this place is. So I cry. And I pray. And then I repeat until the tears and the words dry up.

To Do or To Be

"Get up early. Go to bed late. Attack the inbox. Make lists. Relate. Send texts. Keep up with friends. Don't miss opportunities. Make it to the end. Accomplish. Plan. Go fast. Work it. Shoot for the moon. Don't be last. Run. Go. Don't eat that. Lead the meeting. Cover the shift. Go to class. Mish-mash." - Relevant

My life is fast, cluttered, and full of noise. I'm usually good at keeping up with it all. I go and go and go, I run myself ragged, and the clamor is what keeps me going. I hear the noise everywhere, from everyone. And then this week I made a decision that is going to significantly alter my life. It will increase the noise, the responsibility, the stress, the expectations.

I feel like I have so much to do to get ready for the upcoming craziness. And yet, I am seeking quiet and rest. I want to take care of myself, my heart, my soul. I need this time to be strongly connected to Jesus. I need to remember my priorities, what really matters. So I've spent a lot of time in silence, on my couch, in the Word.

This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust in your strength..." -Isaiah 30:15

Light Brings Warmth

When the afternoon light comes pouring through my large window, sun rays drench my couch in warmth. It's my favorite place to sit quietly or to take a nap. The sun and the comfort of my couch warm my soul.

The Sound of Silence

Sometimes there are a thousand words running through my heart and through my mind. However, when I try and get them out my mouth, there is nothing but stammering and stuttering. Everything is incomprehensible. That is where I am tonight.

So much to say.
So FEW words.
Words
are replaced
with a
THICK
SILENCE
Silence full of
confusion
sadness
fear
guilt
hurt
I wonder.
I wonder
if you sit long enough
will you hear the
SILENCE
Will
you
understand?

New Mercies Every Morning

It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

"At the end of every night a new day grows."

I'm ready for my new day.

Status Updates

Me: Mom, would you freak out if I moved to Africa for a year?
Mom: Not at all but you need to know your dad and I will be visiting and you will need to arrange a wildlife safari for us. I've always wanted to do a safari. This could be my chance.

Sometimes my job is hard, but sometimes it is so freakin' awesome. Today I reconnected a teenager with his dad whom he hasn't had contact with in 17 years.

I never realized just how much of my life facebook took away until the last two weeks. My facebook cleanse was a wonderful idea.

No diet coke= headache.

I'm ready for warm weather because it brings everyone outdoors again. I've seen more of my neighbors in the past week than I have since November.

My boss goes on vacation tomorrow. Yea for him.
My boss goes on vacation tomorrow. Boo for me. When I wake up tomorrow I'll be completely in charge of 16 teenagers and 8 staff. Aughhh!

It's amazing how well a sticker chart works, even for adults. My roommates and I are actually working out because we like to reward ourselves with stickers. Ridiculous, I know.

The Puzzle

It's taken a long time, but I am starting to see the image formed as the puzzle pieces connect...

- many years ago I watched the documentary Invisible Children and the stories of child soliders in Uganda tugged my heart strings.
- I read a book called The Middle of Everywhere about refugees in America. I was intrigued on many levels but put the book aside after reading it and gave it no more thought.
- 4 years ago I met Sitey, a Somali Bantu refugee. I tutored her in English and got to know her family. The book I had previously read was incredibly helpful.
- 2.5 years ago I started my current job as a mental health therapist. My organization requires more than behavior modification. Instead, we deal with deep trauma.
- this fall I started volunteering with two Congolese refugee families by transporting them to/from church. Over the last few weeks I have spent a lot of time researching the Congo and what they may have experienced. I've looked at horrific pictures and read traumatic stories.
- this fall I met "Grandpa Bill" when he joined my community group. The night I met him and heard about his heart for Uganda, I told a friend "I'm going to Uganda with this man".
- I am reading a book called Radical. It's messing with me on multiple levels.
- I stumbled across a blog written by a young woman from Uganda. She went for a short-term missions trip and then never left. She is now raising 13 girls who call her "mommy".
- Last week I read Mark 8:35- "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it."
- Saturday night I journaled about trauma and how much trauma work I've done recently with my clients. Trauma often causes therapists to burn out. Instead, I see hope and am encouraged by the work that my clients do.
- I sat down at church on Sunday and sitting in front of me was Grandpa Bill. He introduced me to his friends- a couple that works for Global Refuge International. After learning what I do, one of the first questions the man asked was "do you do trauma work?" He then proceeded to tell me about his organization and the need for trauma workers.

It's a glorious mess. Jesus is wrecking my life, one puzzle piece at a time. I am confident the final picture will be beautiful.

The "T" Word

Once upon a time ago, I left work at work. Sure, I shared stories about the craziness that is my job, but the details were left at work. I could effectively leave the heartache, the pain, the trauma at work.
Not so much these days. Trauma sits in the passenger seat during my drive home. Trauma makes itself at home in my mind and settles in my heart. Trauma teases my tear ducts. Trauma haunts my dreams. Yes, I'm a therapist that specializes in trauma but I wasn't prepared for the amount of trauma my kids are dealing with right now. They share stories, poems, collages, journal entries. Sometimes it all feel surreal- almost like I'm watching a movie. But when I focus in on the voice and the eyes in front of me, it is all too real.
I don't believe that Trauma is leading toward burn-out. Instead, Trauma is reminding me why it is I do what I do. I have created a safe place where teens can share the worst of the worst. I have been gifted with the ability to ask the right questions, and to keep my mouth closed when I need to listen. And I have hope- hope that one day Trauma will no longer win.

When Worlds Collide

"Can I go to church with you?" What a simple question with an answer that should also be simple. Instead: "Uh, yes. I guess. Okay. Are you sure? It's a long service. Really? Oh shit."

While in college, both undergrad and grad school, it was drilled into me to set firm boundaries with my clients. This meant no contact with clients outside of the work setting. If I see someone in the grocery store, just walk on by and don't acknowledge them. Don't let clients know anything about me. If they ask a personal question, turn it back on them. Keep my personal life personal and my work life completely separate. I was taught that this was necessary for my own sanity and a way to practice self-care. So that's what I've done for many years.

Until now.

As far as I can tell, Jesus would tell me what I learned in school is crap. How can I love people and minister to them if I don't know them and they don't know me? How can I point people to Jesus when I don't let them know that incredibly personal part of my life? So when one of my clients asked me if she could come to church with me, I said yes. And then I invited another kid. And then I almost hyperventilated.

When I walk into PBC on a Sunday morning, it's more than just a gathering of believers. It is time to reconnect with my family. It's time to be okay with not being okay. There are tears and laughter. I question, I am challenged, I learn. I have responsibilities, I have people to minister to. I open my heart and am vulnerable. Allowing my teenage clients into this part of my life was almost too much. I questioned where I sat, what I said, what I did. I was afraid of being me in some ways. And then I got mad. I was mad because they were intruding on my life, in my space, with my people. So then I felt guilty. Guilty because of my attitude and my actions. I recognized my selfishness and it cut me to the core. How dare I miss the opportunity to point people to Christ because it makes me uncomfortable. Jesus clearly said that following Him meant giving up one's own life.

It's still a battle waging war in my mind and in my heart. Jesus is wrecking my life... thank goodness.

Those Eyes

Those eyes captured my heart the first time I looked into them. Those eyes are full of life and still have the twinkle of innocence that can only be seen in a child. Those beautiful brown eyes are always watching, taking in the world. Those eyes belong to my sweet niece.
As adults, we are aware of what children hear. We listen more closely to television and radio stations and change the channel if the content isn't appropriate. We whisper. We spell out words. We filter what we say. And we expect the same from others.
Somehow, we forget about those eyes and what they see. Today, I was reminded just how much young eyes see. Malaya and I were talking about smoking cigarettes and how gross smoking is. I casually asked her if she was going to smoke when she grows up. Although I expected her "no" answer, her reasons shook me to my core. She doesn't want to smoke because I don't smoke. Not only that, but she is not going to drink coffee or wear much make-up because I don't do those things. And even more, she is going to be a "regular adult" like me and not have children. I laughed and hugged her tight, but there were tears in my eyes. Those eyes are watching everything I do, even the mundane details of my life. What am I showing her? What does she see as my priorities, what I value?
As I've processed through these thoughts, I'm painfully aware of the areas in my life in which I'm not showing her good things. She doesn't see me pray. She sees me spend too much time on the computer. She doesn't see that I care about others (outside the family). She sees my frustration with my brother. She sees too much diet coke.
She sees. She watches. She learns.