You Are Not Alone in This. Are You Sure About That?

Apparently it's in these moments of utter exhaustion when my brain wants to download the most. The words flow more easily when exhaustion weakens my emotional defenses.

Today was hard. This is true of most days, but everyday it seems to be true for a different reason. Today was hard in unexpected ways, and the emotions that came were a bit of a surprise. Echoing through my mind today was the phrase "it's lonely at the top". This simple phrase, that I resonate with very deeply right now, causes immediate tears. I desperately want someone to "get it", to truly understand how hard my job is. But it goes way beyond the realization that my job is hard because I work with delinquent and/or mentally ill teenagers-- everyone immediately understands that this is ridiculously difficult. Please, cuss me out or threaten to hit me- I know what to do with that. But making huge decisions about your life and teaching your therapist how to help you and maintaining a safe environment and figuring out my role as the boss and correctly prioritizing the to-do list and guiding the team and trying very hard not to fuck it all up- I don't know how to do all that.
---> Today I fought hard for you to go back to jail which seems so right and feels so wrong. But I'm so mad at you and keeping you is not helping you or anyone else.
---> You told me that you had sex with 17 guys last night, falling short of the 21 club. I don't even know if I believe you, but whether it's true isn't the issue.
---> Your dad might go back to jail and I had a big hand in it. How do I tell you that? You're the little girl who just wants your daddy.
---> You are doubting yourself as a therapist and you're miserable. You listen to everything I say, watch everything I do, desperate to learn. You take everything I say as truth.
---> You're burned out, tired, ready for a change. But you're my most experienced therapist and I rely on you for a lot.

I fall into bed exhausted, and it's not the individual stories that keep me awake. It's the weight, the burden, the responsibility. It's the loneliness on top.

If I lay here long enough I hear Mumford and Sons softly singing to my soul, "You are not alone in this. You are not alone in this. As brothers we will stand and will hold your hand." I'm having a really hard time believing this right now.