Snippets

If I had to choose one word to describe myself this week it would be emotional. This is most definitely not how I would usually describe myself. I'm blaming it on hormones. I'm simply a wreck.

After multiple frustrations this afternoon, I went to the park to go running. I needed to clear my head, to breathe in fresh air, to soak up some sun. It was exactly what I needed.

I wonder if giving up something that I love dearly would help someone who needs a lot of help. It would be a very, very painful sacrifice for me (and others) and I don't know if it's the right thing. But the way it's working now is simply not okay.

Tonight, in front of people that I love and that love me, the ugliness of my heart was exposed. I knew I needed to verbalize the internal battle I was having, but it sucked.

"... what if Your healing comes through tears. What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near."

You Are Not Alone in This. Are You Sure About That?

Apparently it's in these moments of utter exhaustion when my brain wants to download the most. The words flow more easily when exhaustion weakens my emotional defenses.

Today was hard. This is true of most days, but everyday it seems to be true for a different reason. Today was hard in unexpected ways, and the emotions that came were a bit of a surprise. Echoing through my mind today was the phrase "it's lonely at the top". This simple phrase, that I resonate with very deeply right now, causes immediate tears. I desperately want someone to "get it", to truly understand how hard my job is. But it goes way beyond the realization that my job is hard because I work with delinquent and/or mentally ill teenagers-- everyone immediately understands that this is ridiculously difficult. Please, cuss me out or threaten to hit me- I know what to do with that. But making huge decisions about your life and teaching your therapist how to help you and maintaining a safe environment and figuring out my role as the boss and correctly prioritizing the to-do list and guiding the team and trying very hard not to fuck it all up- I don't know how to do all that.
---> Today I fought hard for you to go back to jail which seems so right and feels so wrong. But I'm so mad at you and keeping you is not helping you or anyone else.
---> You told me that you had sex with 17 guys last night, falling short of the 21 club. I don't even know if I believe you, but whether it's true isn't the issue.
---> Your dad might go back to jail and I had a big hand in it. How do I tell you that? You're the little girl who just wants your daddy.
---> You are doubting yourself as a therapist and you're miserable. You listen to everything I say, watch everything I do, desperate to learn. You take everything I say as truth.
---> You're burned out, tired, ready for a change. But you're my most experienced therapist and I rely on you for a lot.

I fall into bed exhausted, and it's not the individual stories that keep me awake. It's the weight, the burden, the responsibility. It's the loneliness on top.

If I lay here long enough I hear Mumford and Sons softly singing to my soul, "You are not alone in this. You are not alone in this. As brothers we will stand and will hold your hand." I'm having a really hard time believing this right now.

I wonder as I wander

I wonder what it is I am supposed to be learning right now in this season of life.

I wonder if I'm literally taking days off of my life due to my stress level.

I wonder if my house will ever be clean or if the clean will ever actually be maintained.

I wonder if there will come a day when I feel competent in leading a team.

I wonder if sleep will ever be normal again, if the insomina and oversleep will slowly fade away.

I wonder why my nose piercing still has issues even though it has been 7 months.

I wonder how I'm leading others.

I wonder when I got calloused to the reality of what I do.

I wonder how what I do can still break my heart.

I wonder what life would be like now if my roommates weren't in my life.

Insomnia Ramblings

I've felt disconnected all day long. I sat and listened but I didn't actually hear anything. Time moved very slowly but I didn't accomplish much. I wanted to enjoy the beautiful day but I didn't want to do it alone so I didn't leave my house.
-----
Please, God, don't let there be a gun.
-----
Relationships are fluid and they change. I know it's part of life, but I don't always like it.
-----
Discontent has become a frequent visitor. Discontent visits me at home and at work, with friendships and with family. I wonder if it's a gift from God. Strange, I know. But I wonder if the discontent makes it easier for big life change. I'm comfortable with my current lot in life. I like where I live, who I spend time with, what I do for a living. I like all of it, but I'm not content and I want more. I wonder if it's sin. God has given me everything I need and a lot of what I want, but I'm not content. Is it pride? Is it greed?
-----
I held that tiny baby yesterday and a dozen thoughts resonated deep in my heart. I'm not at a place where I am willing to verbalize any of those thoughts to anyone. So I hold on to my thoughts tightly and my heart whispers secrets to the One who knows it all and knows me better than I know myself.
-----
I very much want to hide away lately. This is not normal for me (or healthy). And I'm ignorning that still, small voice. That's a problem.

Q&A

Who am I for this task?
I will be with you.
What shall I tell them?
I Am who I Am.
What if they don't believe me or listen to me?
I will show them.
I am not equipped.
I will help you and teach you what to say.
Please send someone else.
I will help you and teach you what to do.

Day 3= FAIL

This is really, really hard. Last night the texts ended at 11:16 pm. The phone calls ended at 11:21 pm. This morning the texts started at 6:51 am. I spent the majority of the day on the phone. I need to adjust the minutes on my plan ASAP. It's not always going to be this way, I know. But right now it is. This has easily been the most difficult 8 days I can remember in the last 2.5 years. And I'm in charge. I'm in charge of a crumbling house and staff. Today there were no tears. Just anger, frustration, irritability. I took it out on the wrong people and hurt those I love most. The anger has dissipated and there is a lump in my throat that I keep trying to ignore. So I'm going to bed and I'll try again tomorrow. "At the end of every night a new day grows."

To Do or To Be (part 2)

In the last two weeks I've barely slept, questioned my decision, and cried a thousand tears. The decisions and responsibilities in front of me seem overwhelming. My to-do list is ridiculous. That's the problem- I have been running around trying to figure out what I'm supposed to DO. This just leads to feelings of being overwhelmed and lots of tears. And then a dear friend gently reminded me that it's not about what I do, but about who I am supposed to be in the midst of the chaos. Her wise words: "When I don't know what to do, I simply remember who I am supposed to be. I know that in all situations, God wants me to bear the Fruit of the Spirit. This is my compass and often I need to reset my life and get back on track. I may not know what decision to make, but I know that I am to display love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control." And so a dozen times I day I look at the compass and re-orient myself to walk the right direction.

over.whelmed

"You can do it. You're fully capable. You're what this house and this team need. We trust you and believe in you." I've heard this a dozen times. No one told me it would be this hard. No one told me that it would feel like trying to take a sip of water from a fire hose. No one told me that I would question everything I believe in. No one told me I would doubt myself. No one told me how lonely this place is. So I cry. And I pray. And then I repeat until the tears and the words dry up.